Shifting Focus: Making Memories, Not Friends

Alyssia writes about how to find the right friends for you at university. 

- Alyssia

I came to university ready to reinvent the high-school-me.  

 

Growing up socially anxious in an unwelcoming environment, I felt isolated during my 12 years at the same school. Over the years, I would adapt to become stubbornly individualistic. Although I did have friends, I wasn’t very attached to them.  

 

But deep down, I was miserable. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t fit in.  

 

This dissatisfaction fuelled many of my actions, including my determination to get into university and to make a group of ‘cool’ university friends.

 

So, you can imagine my frustration when I met a lot of people… and barely found any that clicked. I was beginning to think that I was destined to be alone in life. You might look at the title and think I’m recounting a failed social experience, but I’m here to tell you to put down that tissue box and to stop it with the puppy eyes. There will be no need for that. 

 

The problem was that I saw the concept of a social life as a competition; as a win-or-lose, do-or-die situation. I was so used to high school and its monstrosities (cliques and hierarchies) that I overlooked the vastness of the university social pool, and the endless possibilities it holds.  

 

So, I started feeling comfortable in anonymity, in being my own person. I decided to switch my mission from making best friends to making the best memories instead. To put it in a better way: I chose to focus on watering my own garden, pouring my passions into the soil, and thinking, “Who knows what butterflies would come?” 

 

I put this into action on the way to a poetry open mic event one night. I took the stage wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I talked to the people who sat alone. Before I realised it, I ended up making my first friend who clicked that night. And as I continued my life enriching that garden, you won’t believe how many more beautiful butterflies stopped by and decided to stay.  

 

All of them are kind, witty and intelligent in their own ways, from all around the world, and I am so grateful we found each other. I learned that the more you treat your social life as a life and not a competition, the more likely you’ll find people who’ll stick and choose to grow with you.  

 

As a final note: keep watering your garden and let the butterflies come to you. You’ve got this! 

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

Hi, I’m Alyssia! I am an upcoming second-year student at the University of Edinburgh, majoring in English Literature. I participated in U-Belong because I am naturally drawn to studying individuals and how they interact in societies. Helping people find a sense of belonging is rooted in the human need for social connection, and this understanding gives me confidence that anyone can achieve a meaningful social life at university.