Hollie reflects on her struggles with mental health during her first year of university, sharing what she wishes she had known.
- Hollie Rose
As the car rolled up the Bailey and the wheels moved over the cobblestones as we approached Durham Cathedral, I spotted my new home to my left, with iron gates opening onto the future I had been dreaming of for years. I wish I could meet that nineteen-year-old girl to give her a hug, holding in my arms all her trepidation around being in catered accommodation and the unique experience of having a roommate. I wish I could tell her it would all be okay. But on that day in late September when I approached the college that I would eventually be overly involved in, little did I know that I was opening one of the darkest chapters of my life. And – spoiler alert – little would I believe, at the end of my first year as I made the same journey in reverse down the historic Bailey with a car full of my belongings, that in two years I would sob at the mere thought of leaving a city I am so proud to say I created a life in.
For those of us who have experience already with tumultuous mental health before we arrive at university, we can fear what that will look like in a new city, with a transformed support system and a routine completely turned on its head. I can attest that it will all be okay…eventually.
But that does not mean it will instantly be okay in freshers’ week or as a fresher at all. If you are someone who struggles to adapt, you are not on your own. Believe me, even those who adjust the fastest have moments of doubt or feeling like an imposter. I prided myself up until university in being able to make things work, even if they weren’t ideal. I did not realise how much of that ability relied on the thing I claimed to hate: routine.
The nature of living in catered accommodation meant meals became an intense stress factor for me as I had little to no choice and control over my food. As such, I would avoid meals, eliminating consistent points in a daily routine. This not only meant I lost structure in my day, which meant I ended up cocooning myself in bed longer into the day than I care to admit but also meant I was allowing my anxiety around meals to cut me off from the socialisation around mealtimes. Similarly, it became easier to skip lectures and seminars, provide email excuses for my absences and barely leave my room as the longer the gaps between my attendance became, the greater my anxiety of walking into those rooms grew.
Within my first year, I became a ghost of myself because I did not know how to create a flexible and accommodating routine for myself. Instead, my comfort zone shrank to a small outline around my feet. It was not until my third year that I truly began to flourish because I gave myself the grace to manage my anxiety and depression.
I implemented a flexible routine that focused on meeting my basic needs each day rather than attempting to meet unrealistic goals. I did not want to get up obscenely early, I just wanted to get out of bed each day. I did not care if I changed from one set of pyjamas to another, I was changing out of the clothes I slept in. I may not have the energy to cook from scratch, but I would eat at least one fully prepared meal. And I would go outside for a least five minutes, even if those five minutes were no further than my garden.
What I found, is pushing myself to do these tasks often meant I started my day, whether at 7am or 7pm, in a headspace more willing and able to challenge my comfort zone, rather than waking up already feeling like a failure because I had missed an arbitrary morning alarm. I was focusing on a routine to meet my needs. And I was able to constantly challenge my comfort zone, watching it grow bit by bit, by challenging my depression and anxiety to constantly meet my basic needs.
Another big change is I allowed myself to ask for help – something fresher me would never believe. But asking for help from student support resulted in the extension that saved my dissertation, which was the thing I had cared most about from my entire degree.
Please know that it is okay if freshers’ week, or even your first year, isn’t the best time of your life. There are services available to help support you to get to the place that took me years to get to.
Give yourself the grace to understand and meet your own mental health needs.
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Hiya, I'm Hollie, a masters student who has struggled throughout my university studies with various mental health conditions. Wellbeing and mental health advocacy, as well as LGBTQ+ representation, are at the heart of what I do, and as such, I hope to help students feel seen and supported through sharing my own story.
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