It’s Easier to Run

Michael discusses how he uses running to as a way to cope with depression and anxiety.

-Michael

For a long time I struggled with depression and social anxiety and my two ways of coping with these feelings, avoidance and distraction. Now, having learned how unhelpful these behaviours are for my mental health, I have developed a new way of coping, running, which has been massively beneficial for my wellbeing. Here, I recall the destructive impact of psychologically running away from my feelings through avoidance and distraction, and the benefit of physically running for my mental health.

Firstly, avoidance. I would run away from social contact. I was convinced that people would see me as I saw myself, and whilst I had become numb to my own pain, I found that, around others, I felt an expectation (real or imagined) that I could only disappoint, an intensified self-consciousness and humiliation, and a heightened sense of vulnerability and misplacement. I distanced and isolated myself, pushing away and shutting down anyone that tried to reach out to me.

Second, distraction. I would run through life as fast as I could to try and distract myself from how I was feeling: I was running away from myself. In my desire to distract myself, I became unhealthily occupied by my University studies. For me, study was simultaneously a manifestation, an excuse and a comfort for my isolation; a psychological space to channel my self-dissatisfaction as perfectionism, whilst at the same time being one where I didn’t have to face anyone and where I could pretend to myself and others that my isolation was a choice that I was in control of.

Clearly then, these safety behaviours were destructive. They exacerbated the very feelings and insecurities that I was running away from. I lost both confidence and practice in social situations which simply reinforced my beliefs of inadequacy and misplacement. It’s like the harder I ran away from my feelings, the bigger the shadow that I was running from became and the harder it became to face. It had become a cycle that felt impossible to break out of. Not only this, but in running away from myself and others, I ended up shutting down any opportunity to get help or support. Just as I felt I couldn’t run anymore, I reached the finish line: the line in my life were I was finished. I was finished running and I knew that I had to, with some help, make some changes.

This is why I decided to run the Edinburgh Marathon for Student Minds. I am running, but this time I am running as an enabling and empowering physical activity, not as a destructive psychological defence mechanism. In doing so, I hope both to raise funds for Student Minds and to raise awareness of student mental health issues and the support available. I am still running but now, with the direction and support provided by Student Minds, I am moving forward. Increasing my physical activity has massively benefitted my mental health: I am eating better, sleeping better and have so much more energy to cope with life’s pressures. Sometimes, it’s easier to run.

If you would like to donate, you can do here: https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/michaelpriestley2

Hi, I'm Michael. I'm currently a PhD student at Durham University and wanted to write for Student Minds about my own experiences of depression, anxiety and university life.